I TRIED TO KILL MY CAR

Do you drive?.. Do you have a car?.. So probably you had that horrible feeling when you want to meltdown, or explode throughout the state from the anger you’ve been gifted from your lovely, beautiful and the one and only CAR... The car you love, care about got “her” Castrol oil last time, bought a winter mat set for Christmas. Basically, you spend more time with your car than your family, you wash the mats you bought for Christmas more often than you clean your floor at home, probably even you gave “her” a name, I know you did, you just stopped reading remembering the name. That’s ok, I did it as well :) So despite the emotions you got for your four-wheel friend it fails you, it breaks down in the most inconvenient time or place, and then you think.. what?!..again?! you must be kidding me?! After all the care, all the presents you got for “her”..it fails you... You definitely remember that morning when you were running late for work and then it wouldn’t start, just wouldn’t.. oh come on, please... I am so much getting into a problem at work, please just start... I can be fired this time.. and without even realising it, you start to speak with your car, I know right?! Or the other time when you were in busy traffic, dead stuck, angry that you will be late for your favourite tv show, or a date.. you know this time it will work out, but you are losing the first time impression as you are potentially late, because of the traffic, or elsewhere when SUDDENLY it stops working, the gear stuck, can not change into any, the engine slows RPM and you are witnessing when it just stops working, or engine heats up above 90° and it rises.. in seconds you see the smoke coming out and that is it... This is the breakpoint. And at this moment you think - I am going to scrap it, burn it, drown it, smash it, poison it.. kill it.

That is it, after multiple fails, I made the decision - I am going to kill my car. I know many of you had the same thoughts, you were imagining a few scenarios of how you would do it. I would bet most of you had this first idea to pour the petrol all over it, angry.. the hands are shacking of adrenaline, you just imagine you are pouring and pouring the petrol on it. And then.. in slow motion.. like in those movies.. you are getting from your trousers pocket the zippo lighter, I know you are not smoking, but somehow you just have the coolest silver zippo lighter with the eagle engraved on the body part from both sides, and “Ready to kill” engraved on the top cap part. You are opening a top part with the thumb.. zip.. sound of scrolling the wheel to light it up.. You are ready, the car is ready, lighting zippo.. even slower motion.. hands are not shaking anymore, you pull yourself together, last breath.. intention rises.. you feel like all the world is watching... and.. you throw the lighter towards your vehicle with all that emotions you have.. love, hatred, disappointment, anger.. the lighter reaches the car.. bumps into it.. the body souped with petrol quickly catches up the fire.. and the car drowns into the flames.. explosion.. And you feel relief.. the air is lighter.. wonderful feeling, the best feeling.. you feel right.. you feel you done some massive good job like donated a million bucks to the charity. But in reality, after half an hour you do not feel the anger anymore, and calm and sense kicks in, and you start to think about which garage you will bring “her” to repair.

Unfortunately, my car had a gearbox issue, and I knew it is going to be painful and expensive. Probably it will cost me more than to get another same mark car. I dumped it in the rear of the communal car park for a good few weeks till I will make a decision what I will go to do with it next. Eventually, I picked up the phone and dialled the number of a scrap company which I got from the top of google search on the first page. I want to scrap my car — I said. We agreed on the amount I will be paid for it, and the collection date. I was a little bit surprised, as the queue were more than three weeks to wait till they will come and collect it. I thought it is going to be a few days till I will kiss “her” goodbye. Oh well, three weeks it is. And then.. a very a few days later I was on the phone in the kitchen talking something with someone walking rounds in the kitchen.. have you had that when having long phone conversation you are throwing a small ball to the wall, checking all shelves, kitchenware, draws... I was on that gear that time when I saw through the kitchen window my car dumped at the back of the rear car park. And I got angry again... I felt this is not right... I can not just scrap it... And then it came the idea to kill it. yes, that is right to kill it...

How to kill it? I knew the idea of burning it is not really possible as it is not safe to burn it in the communal car park as I will end up burning all the cars in the car park or even worse fire could get into apartment buildings and that is no go... I couldn’t drive it somewhere out of the city to a safe place like fields and burn it over there as it has a gearbox problem.. hmm... To get a baseball bat and to release the anger?! no, probably not... What else I could do?

Monday. Two days later. Shopping. I’ve got the idea, not sure how it will work, but I’ve got the idea... Let's get back to Monday shopping. I need Milk, Beer, Cola + Mentos, Sunflower Oil, Bleach, Bubble liquid, Fairy, and Energy drink. Am I missing anything.. that should do it. I’ve got it all in the basket heading towards the tills to pay for it and running the PLAN in my head how it is going to be. Should I make a video?? Definitely. How? Hmm... I have the latest iPhone and the camera it got decent. Sorted. Now I need to pay for the liquids, get back home, find a “cameraman” and start the execution...

Can you help me to shoot the video of how I will kill my car — I said to my neighbour. Being still high after “baking a pot” he agreed to help me and to make a video with my iPhone. That is it. The moment of the true.. can I do it. I mean I already made a deal to scrap it, it is gone anyway, but I stopped for a moment.. should I do it?.. Suddenly I remember the time I bought it, the trips I had, the small accident... I feel sorry for it, I had a quite few memories connected with the four-wheeler. Few steps further. Come on!! Let's do it!! The Neighbour pressed the start button. The camera is on. And me... I am ready for action. I need to start the engine on to check if the car is ready too. Few steps further and I am standing next to the front driver door. Click, click. It is now open. I start the engine and run it for a few minutes, to make sure everything is ready and steady. I pulled the handle to open the hood. Everything and everyone is ready. After the hood, it was a 1.9l Vauxhall diesel engine. Strange but it was working like a clock, although the last couple of months before the gearbox failure and today’s execution it sounded wrong, with some extra vibration and extra noise... RPM was going up and down, to be honest, I thought that the engine will lead the car to scrap. But the final day it worked perfectly. Strange isn’t it?

If you thought I am gonna poison the engine, trying to fill in there all the liquids I bought from the shop earlier to see some Las Vegas lightings, fireworks, Mechanical gameplay... You are right!! And I will start from the Milk...

Milk.

I thought to start from the least harmful liquids. Milk. I turned out the engine cap and pour in the engine about two pints of milk. As it was raining outside that day I did not feel I want to teas it, so after pouring milk I headed to the driver seat to turn the engine on and to see what will happen. The engine started well, no extra sound, no vibration.. no nothing I was expecting to see, or everyone would guess what would happen, but nothing. I accelerated the engine to speed up the demolition process but.. engine versus milk — engine won. 1:0. I turned the engine off. And we paused a bit, honestly, it was a surprise for me and for my cameraman it swallowed the milk easy and it looked like the car took the challenge and it stood its ground. Ok, what’s next?.. My neighbour suggested pouring in the bubble liquid, but I knew I want revenge as I felt I lost the previous round, so brought cola with mentos.

Cola + Menthos.

Have you ever saw the videos of how cola reacts with mentos?.. It is funny, hilarious. I am not strong with the chemistry but as what I found on google — “As the Mentos candy sinks in the bottle, the candy causes the production of more and more carbon dioxide bubbles, and the rising bubbles react with carbon dioxide that is still dissolved in the soda to cause more carbon dioxide to be freed and create even more bubbles, resulting in the eruption” And that is what I wanted to see coming out of my car engine. Lets goooo!!! Honestly, I know it is my time, I know it will be spectacular. So we brought the cola and pour about half a 1.5l bottle of cola into the engine and it is time for mentos. I stepped back a little bit to be safe from a fountain of the mixture. Throw the mentos candy in… what you think happened next? NOTHING. I couldn’t believe, what is going on. The kids in the videos are playing with it and it looks amazing, but my car stood its ground again and not gonna give up. I lost another round... I will not give up either I took the cola bottle and poured the rest of the cola into the engine. You would think of a surprise view? NO... I threw a few mentos candies additionally and.. still nothing. I guess that is it with mentos and cola, I think I lost this round as well. I think the reason for no show cause the engine had oil and a milk mixture and when I poured cola on top it just mixed all up and did not give the desired effect. 2:0. Sad. But I still have lots to pour in. So hold on Vauxhall I just have started.

Bubbles.

As my neighbour suggested prior to Cola and Mentos, it is time for a bubbling liquid. I thought if I would pour in the bubble liquid and start the engine it will steam and bubble liquid will bubble it up. I was afraid that other mixture in the engine could mix up and again would not give Las Vegas effect I am waiting for. Anyway, the main mission is to kill the engine and even if it will not bubble up it should die or at least came closer to the last breath. So bubbles, let's hit it!! I took the bubbles liquid 1l bottle opened and started to pour into the engine. I stopped before I pour it all in, but the cameraman insisted to pour it all. Why not?! Few seconds and all the bubble liquid were in the engine together with the rest of the mix. It is time to turn on the engine. Will it bubble?? or maybe it is the death time??!! Or maybe it will bubble till the last breath and will pass away. I am just one turn of the key away. Three. Two. One. Ready. Goooo. Engine starts. And it works fine without any signs of our experiment, it seems Vauxhall is laughing at me. Really?? I mean even the engine light did not come on. Really?? 3:0... I am losing. I did not get any effects, not even got closer to the end. It still works smoothly.

Fairy.

Probable every housewife will agree with me that washing liquid named “Fairy” is one of the best washing-up liquids out there. And we have one for our engine. I sincerely believe that at some point it just has to die. It can not hold on forever. Would it be washing liquid “Fairy”?? let's check it out? I pull out the big bottle of “Fairy” pointed at the engine and pressed hard to piss all the liquid into the engine. “I can tell you he has enough for this car” — my neighbour said. We laugh before I started the engine on. I mean will it be washing liquid that stops the engine?? Let's see if it cracks this time!! I started the engine, accelerated.. a few moments after.. it started to spit the oil mixture out. FINALLY. That’s a good sign I said. And actually, I felt great, cause it is going somewhere. It is not the victory but at least I got this round. I can see the engine is hurt, and it means I am not far away... I am very excited. 3:1. What’s next??

Sunflower Oil.

As the previous round, I won, I was really excited to continue. This time I have the sunflower oil. Actually, I was so into it that I did not think it through, if think engine oil has a very similar structure as the sunflower oil, both are thick and on the internet land later I found out the vegetable oil could be used instead of petroleum (normal engine) oil, some of internauts thoughts about it: “Vegetable oils have always been better lubricants than petroleum,” says Johnson. “They reduce the friction inside the engine so it works more efficiently. You get less pollution from the gas as well as from the oil. So I guess it was in favour of the engine and instead of making more harm. I actually helped the engine to recover a bit, to catch up the breath after washing liquid? And I pour about half of the 5l plastic bottle into the engine. Was it helpful for the engine? And actually no it wasn’t. It was in my favour. Yeap. I took another round. What happened after pouring the oil and starting the engine? It worked for a minute and.. it showed a bit of smoke. It looks like it slowly giving up. And in the next moment cameraman pointed at the bottom of the car where under the engine we spot the leak of the oil mix. I guess that is it. As it did not die today, I thought to leave the car till the next day. To dry out. And then to bring heavy artillery. 3:2 Vauxhall versus me today.

DAY 2

I woke up early today. It is a good day I can feel it, despite the fact I lost it yesterday to my car, but the battle continues. Got into my shoes, and let's shop. What can kill it this time? What should I get for my car? What could make more damage? Walking through the isles I noticed something that could potentially effectively kill the car and the same way could be a great show. Popcorn. If you think about it microwave popcorn pops up to a certain degree, so technically when the engine heats up should pop out the popcorn ready and die in the same way. Cool isn’t it. But just in case I will buy coffee, sugar, cuscus and rise. I think it should be enough. I still have bleach in the back of the car which should be a part of today's killing process. Till. Pay. Good to go and kill.

I am coming out to the back car park where my car is waiting for the next day battle. Surprisingly, I think it is more ready than me. I open the door. Sit in. Before I turn the key, I think is it possible it died last night? It would be a shame, I don’t believe I will say this, but please, please start.. :) I turn the ignition on, start the engine… And.. the game is on. The car started easy, showing me it has the spirit to fight another day. I mean, I am happy it started, really, but I wanted to see a hurt soldier. I thought I will bring the popcorn for a final punch. But it doesn’t look like it is hurt, it looks like yesterday did not happen. What??

Popcorn.

After a minute in the car. I am ready. But this time I will leave the engine on till it dies. I open the hood, it looks messy, but it still has some oil mixed in. OK. It is time for popcorn. I took the bag with popcorn, opened it. Movie time. Give me some action — I thought. I shoot the popcorn granules into the engine. It ate it and asked me for more. The engine is running but, let's wait till it will heat up and pop out the popcorn. I swear if that will happen I will try some. No seriously. The engine shakes a bit, but nothing major. 10 minutes later. It is not giving up. It started to spit out the granules, but not pop out popcorn as I would like to. It looks like the Vauxhall engine starts with taking the round. 4:2.

Coffee + Sugar.

The popcorn failed. So what’s next. I think I started it wrong. What is the first thing you need in the mourning? That’s right. Coffee. Let's give a cup of coffee to Vauxhall. Potentially I think coffee should dry the engine out, and sugar should caramelise inside and should slow the valves. This should lead to Fireworks or Las Vegas effect which I am waiting for since yesterday. Here is your coffee madam. I opened a coffee can, prepared the sugar, and let's serve.. I pour the coffee first and straight after sugar. But.. Because of the size of the engine loop, most of it just piled up. The engine is still on. It sinks in the coffee and the sugar... Mmmm... Aroma... You can smell it, it’s like in the best houses in Paris. Smile. Nothing apart of this aroma. I never thought it can take so much, I thought the engine is a sensitive part of the vehicle, it needs attention, looking after, changing the right oil and on time, somehow I imagined it will show the side effects straight after pouring liquids and other stuff it got and will get. I imagined it will disbalance, RPM will jump up and down, some extra noise, potentially smokes or at the end, it would smoke definitely. But instead, it works fine, a liiiittle tiny bit shaking, spits the oil mix and that’s it, it looks so good that even the check engine sign did not show up on the dashboard. 5:2 engine leads.

Bleach and Rise, cuscus.

I decided to combine bleach, rise and cuscus for the next round. Well. Rice and cuscus I would think could go together as it is similar structure and it would not make difference for the engine. Just not to pile it up, I will simultaneously pour the bleach, making sure most of it will end up inside the engine, instead of waste around or on top. I grab the bleach, open it up and pour a bit just to clear the way for food.. first goes rise. Engine eats it.. No sign of sickness. It spits and shakes a bit, but that’s it. More bleach and all rise got in. After a few minutes, I did the same with the cuscus. Engine ate it and asked for more. How the hell is possible it is still running. I start to believe it is a myth you need oil to maintain it. Look at it, oil? which oil? you can switch with everything and it will work. If yesterday, I thought I will come out today for the last touch, so now I have no other options. I tried everything that normally you would never pour into your engine being afraid to damage it. Leaving the engine running and having no ideas left, my eyes couth to sandbags left next to my neighbour shed. Sand. Well, that should definitely work. Checkmate.

Sand.

I rushed to get some sand for my engine as this should be it. No engine can stand the sand inside. That’s even in theory can not work together. Checkmate my friend. This is got to be the end for the engine. I loaded up a smile on my face from ear to ear, garbed the sandbag. It is a heavy bag, even though I did not lose the smile. Got the bag to the car, opened it… hear we go... I pushed my hand inside of the sandbag, mixed up a bit and grabbed a few hands of sand for the engine. I am pouring and pouring the sand into the engine. And ready to see the end. I asked my friend to press the acceleration pedal to speed up the process, and with the camera in the hand waiting for the final breath. Yeap. I saw smoke, tiny, small, but smoke. I could say sand got it. It is still running, but it smokes. I have a mix of emotions.. any time now, right??.. And as I was waiting.. a couple walked by and saw the engine, both got surprised by the look of the engine. What the hell is that? — asked the guy. I replied shortly with my plan, as well as I have no ideas what could eventually kill it. A moment... The guy says: “Antifreeze liquid. It will blow the engine away”. Well, that's what I need. Right??.. Thanks for the advice. That’s it. Either I will see Las Vegas Lights under the hood or I am hitting the pub.

Antifreeze.

Sand got it to smoke, but I am getting antifreeze to blow it all up. I google just in case to double-check what it says. Looks good to me, as it says: “If you poured a LOT of antifreeze into the engine oil intake, even trying to start the car might do some VERY expensive damage. If it does run and you only run it a minute or two, it will probably be ok, so long as you change the oil IMMEDIATELY….. TWICE….. or until there’s NO trace of antifreeze to be seen in the oil.” Good, why I did not google in the first place?? let's hope the guy is right, plus the confirmation from google and I am on the way to get the last ingredient for my show. I found 1l coolant liquid, it should be enough. Enough. 5 min after I turned on the camera next to my Vauxhall holding antifreeze liquid. Final step. One of us will win in the minute. I opened the antifreeze and poured all 1l red coolant liquid in. I do understand now it needs time, so I get myself into the driver's seat. On the dashboard, it shows the open door, handbrake on, but no sign of engine fault. And I lost it hit the acceleration pedal till it blows up. I will not surrender. And pressed the pedal harder again and again. It stated smoke badly from the exhaust, a bit more under the hood. But it is still running. I will not admit I lost.. smile.. as if the gearbox would be fine and I would have the ability to take it for a spin it would not have a chance. But unfortunately at standing mode, I pushed it as far as smoke. I say.. draw.. this time. But I will get back to this test with another vehicle, not sure if it is going to be Vauxhall, but definitely will.

Conclusion.

I always thought the vehicle needs service on time. To change the oils, filters, brake pads, other liquids, else thing that must be done on time. Other vices will not work properly, will break down. I guess I was wrong.. Two days battle showed who cares about what you gonna fill the engine whether it is going to be the engine oil or your breakfast. It works the same. I do not want to encourage anyone to feed the vehicles with bananas, but even if you do... I would give advice to the army guys - honestly, you need to check the Vauxhall vehicles. I would think especially in extreme conditions you need a soldier a warrior who will be hurt but will not surrender.

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