Daily Ponderings 8.5.2022

I became a parent when I was 23 years old. Much to my mother-in-law’s (at the time) surprise, it was a planned pregnancy. I had been married almost 2 years when we decided to try, and of course it happened literally the first try. I knew right away that my life was going to change. I was prepared, or so I thought. I’m not sure you can ever really be prepared. I had always been around little kids, been responsible for the care of children, but it’s much, much different when they are solely your responsibility 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 18 years.

We didn’t have much money when we had our first child. I learned really quickly that his needs were going to have to be first. It was my responsibility to make sure he had everything he needed and most of what he wanted. When our second child arrived 20 months later, I knew then that it was double the need, double the want, but still the same money coming in, and that wasn’t much. There were days of cashing in the spare change bucket to buy diapers. We didn’t have cable tv, ever. I never spent money on anything for me. There was none. New clothes were a dream. A designer bag was a fantasy. Getting a mortgage was never going to be part of our plan together because we didn’t make enough money. There was a lot of struggle.

That struggle is not the reason for the divorce, contrary to many opinions (including my ex’s). But it was always there, always in the background. His dreams and ambitions did not align with mine. We wanted different things from life, and as time went on, those disparities became this great canyon between us.

Fast forward to creating a new blended family. The income situation improved, but there were now five children to provide for to varying degrees. I wouldn’t change anything. I have loved our life. But I still carried that guilt, that fear, that self sacrifice into this new family we created. In my head, I was undeserving of nice things because the kids deserved them. I’m not sure if it was guilt related to the broken marriages, fear that this marriage wouldn’t last, or just my tendency to think I could show love with “stuff” but I was always taking care of everyone else and putting my needs and wants last. Always last.

I actually grew to resent that because I thought everyone had these same beliefs and practices, and if they did, I could not understand why I was not important enough to *anyone* that they wanted to buy me nice things. I felt my sacrifices would be rewarded by my husband or family doing or buying nice things for me, thoughtful things, things to show that they cared and were thinking of me, you know, the same way that I did for them. Clearly, they did not subscribe to that thought process. So I spent a long time feeling less-than, bitter, sad, in those moments where I was always giving. But then on the other hand, the self-sacrifice ingrained in my brain also told me I was not worthy, so when they did buy me nice things, I was horrified and shocked. The first time my husband bought me a Coach bag, I couldn’t even get words out. I broke out in a cold sweat. I firmly told him to return it, not because I didn’t LOVE it, but because I wasn’t worthy of it. He looked at me like I had two heads. And then was angry that his gift wasn’t well received. This happened with many things throughout the years. It was a cycle of feeling unloved and then unworthy.

So now, the kids are all grown and flown. So now what? Now where do those feelings lie?

I bought a cappuccino machine.

I have wanted a cappuccino machine for probably five years. I didn’t need or want a fancy $700 one. I just wanted a simple cappuccino machine with a steam frother. My family tried a few years ago and got me the Ninja coffee bar, but it was missing the most important part, the steam frother. We’ve used that machine for years, but I never made a good cappuccino with it. And I reallllllllly wanted a good cappuccino. It became my thing when we went to restaurants. I would always look for a cappuccino. It was my treat to myself if it was on the menu.

But then a situation came up the other day where we needed to make a purchase using a credit card that they were threatening to close if we didn’t use it. I didn’t want the hit to hubby’s credit from a closed card, but I also didn’t want to rack up a big bill on any big purchase either, so I searched their site for something I could buy that I could easily pay off without any strain on our budget….and there it was! It was like it had the rays of light dancing around it in my eyes, stars encircling it, heavenly music playing. And it was only $99, a cappuccino machine with a steam frother, and with good reviews!

I set it up last night. It was like Christmas morning for me. I was smiling from ear to ear. I made great foam. I sprinkled cinnamon. It was delightful. And I felt worthy.

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