Showing Up As Yourself

3 steps to dating as the real you.

In a world filled with dating apps, swipe left or right, and fast paced relationship decision making, we often feel like we have to put on a show, or present some manicured, camera ready version of ourselves. Which probably explains why the divorce rates are so high… But the truth is the best way to date…is authentically. Here are three ways I have found, to return to our best, and most authentic selves in the dating realm.

I know this may seem like an obvious one but think about it. Are you actually listening to what they are saying, or are you too busy planning responses ahead of time?

For example, a friend of mine went through an entire date and when I asked her to tell me about the guy…she couldn’t! She had been so nervous she had talked over him the whole time. She hadn’t waited until he finished speaking to start planning her responses, so she had missed entire chunks of stories, and answers to questions she’d asked.

It happens to all of us. We get nervous and start to feel like it’s a job interview. We feel like we have to present all of ourselves immediately and make sure we give them all the information we think is important for them to make a decision. But the truth is, it should take a few dates to get to know each other. There are levels of intimacy that naturally progress. In fact, skip stepping can be indication of a problem, for example if you leave the date knowing everything they talked to their therapist about this week, it’s too much. If you leave the date feeling like you went line by line over your life resume, it’s too much.

It makes it more fun and allows you to get to know each other more deeply. So, listen fully to what they say, take a moment, then respond. You don’t have to plan out the perfect response before they’ve even finished speaking. The conversation will feel more natural and fluid and your answers won’t feel as curated. Plus a funny thing that happens when you listen…you get to know them! And isn’t that what dating is all about?

This one is subtle but can be surprisingly important. For example, one night as I was running very behind for a date, in a frenzy, I grabbed and threw on a light pink shirt I generally wore to work when I worked as a social worker, so it was kind of a corporate casual vibe. Which is not necessarily date inappropriate, but it was for me. I am not corporate casual. It was one of the multitude of reasons I left that job. I wanted to be able to express myself in a more open and unique way, not a “jacket and tie” 9–5 kind of way.

So, I left the job, kept the shirt and somehow it made an appearance on this date. The person I went on the date with, ended up loving the shirt, even though I felt uncomfortable in it. But then, sure enough a few weeks later, we realized we did not have much in common. He really wanted a 9–5, corporate casual kind of girl, my outfit on the first date gave him the impression I was, so he pursued me.

I know it can seem strange, but so often actions speak louder than words, body language trumps spoken language, and it’s the little things that can end up mattering the most. I’m not saying you have to panic and go blow all your savings on a new outfit that reflects the “real you”, but if you do have something that you feel like really reflects your personality, go for it. Who cares if its “date appropriate.” If you have a t shirt with an avocado and bad pun on it, but you feel like it’s just who you are, then I say wear it with pride! Or maybe you love putting on a dress and heels because it makes you feel sexy and confident and the best version of yourself. That’s fine too! Whatever makes you feel good, and like your most authentic self. That’s the goal.

How many people showed up on the date with you? What I mean is, is it just you and the other person, or did you drag the ghosts of ex’s, the criticism of your mom, or the opinions of your friends along with you? The truth is our relationships are our business. As much as someone may know you, the only person who genuinely knows what’s best for you, is you. As much as you love your friends or your parents, they really can’t pick your partner for you. That doesn’t mean they won’t try. But, ultimately, it’s your life, so it’s your decision.

And what about the ghosts of your past relationships? Did they join you too? Here’s the thing, too much ex-interference on a date, is not a good sign. If you find the need to reveal every bad thing your ex ever said or did on a first date, you may need to stop dating for a while so you can heal and process. No harm no foul, but take it as the sign it is that you just aren’t over it yet. And same for the person sitting across from you. I don’t care if the ex stole their cat, burned their house down, and robbed their jewelry store, the first date is not a podium to bash your ex. Period. You are supposed to be getting to know the awesome person sitting in front of you, not spewing venom at them, an innocent victim and likely an unwilling participant.

I know it may feel like you are getting along well, but mutual hatred of something, is not a solid base.

Think about when you were in middle school, did you ever have that friend who just loved to talk about other people? And sometimes they would come to you and two would talk about some other person and what they did or said or wore to the Sweetheart dance, and it would feel like you were really bonding with that friend. But then what would happen? Eventually you would run out of things to talk about and it would grow stale and boring. Or worse, they would start turning all that meanness towards you.

That’s truthfully the same scenario here. It is not a solid base for a relationship, and if someone is willing to talk about their ex in a disrespectful or cruel way, don’t for a minute think they wouldn’t do that to you if you if things didn’t work out or even if you upset them. It’s a red flag my friends. Also starting a new relationship out on negativity and unresolved past feelings, is a shaky foundation indeed. In fact trying to build a new relationship on anything other than true compatibility, is a recipe for disaster.

So, shake out all those unwanted opinions, past hurts and whatever else may be trying to strap themselves to your back to tag along for your date. Make sure the only people sitting at that table, are you and your date.

So there you have it, three tried and true methods to ensuring the only person showing up on the date…is you. The best and most authentic version of yourself, because I’m willing to bet, that person is so awesome, there is truly no need to be anyone else.

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