A Thank You Letter to My Abusive Parents

Thank you for teaching me the importance of adults apologising to children.

Dear Mom and Dad,

It feels weird to call you that. As far as I’m concerned I’ve never had parents. Sure, you were there in body. But you were never there for me.

I have spent many years feeling angry. You were right, I do have a problem with anger. Being forbidden to express negative emotions, being shamed for feeling hurt, being gaslit — it creates issues with anger. You taught me anger was synonymous with being a bad person. Yet you were allowed to be volatile and verbally abusive, and I would still be a bad person despite not being the one to show anger. You made me feel confused. You made me question my sanity. You made me question whether I was evil and deserved to be alive.

You made me so angry.

More than anything, I have felt angry with myself. Why wasn’t I loveable enough? Why wasn’t I pretty enough? Why wasn’t I interesting enough? Why wasn’t I enough? I came to the conclusion it was my fault. You taught me well that you are never to blame. I have been an excellent pupil, holding myself accountable for things you did to me.

I know, I know. But I wasn’t the perfect child. But sometimes I caused you stress. But sometimes you had other things going on in your life and parenthood was too much.

BUT that wasn’t my fault. You are still in the wrong here.

I have waited many years for sincere apologies. I would seriously reconsider connecting with you if I believed you had changed. But your apologies are hollow. You say them because you know that’s what other people say, not because you feel it deep inside. You say sorry in the hope I will forget everything and we can “go back to normal.”

What you don’t understand is your normal is not normal at all. I never want to go back to that. And that’s all your apologies promise. We will go backwards instead of forwards. I will go back to hating myself. I will go back to being afraid. I will go back to feeling desperately unloved.

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